


Festering Roots

by sin_grumps



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Body Image, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-02-15
Packaged: 2019-03-19 04:47:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13697154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sin_grumps/pseuds/sin_grumps
Summary: If someone were to ask Brian when it all started, he wouldn’t be able to give a clear answer. [bad/instrusive thoughts, body image, but it's all good]





	Festering Roots

If someone were to ask Brian when it all started, he wouldn’t be able to give a clear answer. He suspects it might have been brewing for quite sometime before completely boiling over. Something old and since forgotten that had still managed to root itself deep in his mind and stayed there. Not even blooming but festering, slowly invading and taking over his mind like a parasite.

He’s always known that bodies deteriorate with age, so to say. It’s harder to keep them in shape, metabolism slows down, and there’s more of a tendency for things such as fat to stay on for as long as its wants. He knows this. And yet, his mind doesn’t want to catch up with these facts. That festering root blames him for it all. He’s a slob, he doesn’t eat right, he doesn’t exercise enough, his portions are too big, he sits around on his keyboard too much.

Sometimes he looks over at his partner and the comparisons start. Dan is close to him in age, enough to be going through the same kind of aging body thing, and yet Dan is as lanky and thin as ever. And once he began putting on muscle, it really began showing just how lucky he got in the gene department. Maybe his stomach problems are in some way to blame, but at the same time Brian has never really noticed Dan having to be careful of how much he eats, whether he exercises, or anything along those lines.

It makes Brian feel even worse about himself, because he could just as easily be as handsome and desirable as Dan, but he just doesn’t work at it. At all. He’s a fucking slob. And honestly it makes him wonder what the hell Dan even sees in him. Beautiful Dan, who’s the one person Brian knows that everyone fawns over regardless of gender or orientation, somehow, by some weird twist of fate, chose him of all people to be with. It makes no sense to him. Brian isn’t handsome, he has a weird looking face, a pudgy dad body that only keeps looking worse, is graying way before he should have, and it just doesn’t click.

Brian’s mind keeps racing as he steps out of the shower, the ongoing thoughts continuing to plague him as he takes note to not look downward at himself. What a fucking joke. In order to stay hydrated and clean he’s required to strip and wash his ugly-ass body. The thought alone makes him want to skip the whole process altogether. But that wouldn’t really fly so he forces himself to, despite how much he very much does not want to have to look at himself.

As he finishes drying off he wraps the towel around his waist, instantly noting how his stomach and sides hang over the towel’s rim. God. He’s let himself go way too much. He can even feel that his upper arms are reaching further back than usual. And if he twists his torso to get rid of some of the leftover kinks in his back, he can feel the skin fold. That definitely didn’t use to happen before. Fuck, he wants to throw up. He hurriedly puts on his shorts and pajama bottoms before his mind can catch up with the fact that his thighs are touching in more places than usual.

The steam slowly clears as he opens the bathroom door, and he can see his reflection. He practically glares at it, pushing down the urge to punch the glass just so he doesn’t have to look at it anymore.

_You’re disgusting. Take a good look at yourself. Fucking look at yourself. Everyone else is stuck looking at your gross self, so fucking look. Your face is droopy. You have growing tits from not doing any exercises. Chicken arms. Pudding belly. Muffin top. Gigantic thighs that nobody ever asked to see on you. And your face again. Who could ever love that kind of hideous face. You don’t deserve love. You don’t deserve attention. No wonder everyone thinks Dan and Arin are more attractive than you. You’re garbage. Nobody wants to look at you. That’s why they always edit you out of photos. You’re fucking repulsive._

Brian just lets the thoughts continue to invade his mind, running a hand over his face as he holds back a groan. It’s not like there’s any use to fight them back or anything; they’re all true. He can hide behind a stupid façade all he wants, but nobody fucking cares. Fucking seriously how did Dan ever even consider him to be remotely attractive. He’s probably doing it out of pity. Because nobody else ever would.

“Hey handsome,” Brian suddenly hears as a long, strong arm wraps itself around his shoulder. “You just about done in here? ‘Cause I really wanna start getting ready for bed too.”

God. Dan is always so chipper. And he’s actually fully dressed for bed, just some boxer briefs and an old tee. It’s at that point that Brian realizes he still hasn’t put his shirt on and he feels exposed, he wants to cover up, he can’t look at his and Dan’s reflections together.

_Fucking look, you coward. Look at how much better looking he is than you. Fat ugly slob._

“Yeah, sure, I’m done,” Brian replies as he tries desperately not to do what his mind says. He instead reaches for the shirt he got ready until after his shower and hurriedly puts it on. “Well, now I am.”

Dan lets out a giggle and pats Brian’s shoulder. “Alright, baby, I’ll see you on the love cushion,” he says, and Brian actually does let out a groan at that.

“Oh my god, Danny, don’t you ever call our bed that ever again,” he says, rolling his eyes as Dan giggles again.

Brian makes his way out of the bathroom, leaving Dan to do his own washing up and getting ready. When Brian enters their bedroom, he almost doesn’t want to lie down on the bed. That will start raising further, different thoughts. God. He’s only just now realizing how snug the shirt he’s wearing is. Logic would say that he accidentally picked out one of Dan’s but he knows better. He’s just gotten that much fatter.

He does eventually lie down, and just as expected, new thoughts emerge.

_Notice how your ugly flabby stomach flops over to one side. It’s like runny dough. You’ve got some gross cleave now too. Not even the other hip is safe, even with all the fat running to the other side, it’s still gross. Your face will be permanently crinkled by the pillow sheet. You’re so old it will never recover from the fabric folds. Your disgusting chicken arms are falling flat against your side like old frosting. Just cover yourself up and don’t ever let yourself be seen._

_You’re fat. You’re ugly. Nobody wants to look at you. Don’t keep giving people that misfortune._

Why can’t there just be a procedure where he can cut off any and all excess fat? Like a damn kebab wheel. Or freeze it and then just break it off. He would look so much better without all that flab. He barely even knows where his actual self is anymore, he’s added so damn much of gross flab on himself. Maybe he should just sign up for some plastic surgery while he’s at it.

_Nothing can fix you, ugly. This is what you and the rest of the world will always have to look at. Disgusting._

Brian is so far into his thoughts that he barely even notices the bed dip behind him and an arm wrap around him again. He feels lips gently brush against the back of his neck and he shivers, unsure what those shivers even mean. Does he want to scoot away? Does he like it? Does it just tickle? He doesn’t even know anymore. What is happening? Where is he, again?

He fully snaps out of it when he feels Dan run his arm downwards to fully wrap around his waist. It sends all kinds of signals to his brain: Dan is touching his stomach, the feeling should be pleasant but it isn’t, it’s only reminding him of how big it is, how it’s just hanging to the side. Brian hates this, he doesn’t want Dan’s hand there. So he moves it, back to just his side.

“Don’t,” he says quietly, surprising himself by how much croakier his voice is than usual.

_Hey yeah did I mention? You even sound awful. Nobody wants to listen to you._

“Bri?” Dan asks, and God his voice is so soft and nice to listen to. “Hey, are you okay?”

Of course Dan would notice. He notices everything. It’s just a wonder that he hasn’t noticed how far out of his league Brian is yet. “Just- Not there,” is all Brian can think of before he curls further in on himself, forcing Dan to fully move his hand from his body.

“Okay,” Dan replies, and to Brian’s surprise (or maybe not) he respects Brian’s wish, and doesn’t touch him.

_Of course he doesn’t want to touch you. He’s just been doing it out of obligation this whole time. And now that you’ve said no, why would he want to? You’re so repulsive he doesn’t even want to touch you. It’s only a matter of time before he realizes he can do so, so much better than an ugly fat-ass like you._

“Brian, will you turn around for me?” Dan suddenly asks, and his voice sounds different somehow. Like he’s concerned, afraid even.

“I’d rather not,” Brian responds, and is surprised to hear that he sounds nasally. When did his nose start running? Shit, is he—?

“Okay, that’s okay,” Dan says, and there are the neck kisses start again. His hand gently travels to Brian’s upper arm and to his shoulder. At least he didn’t stay on Brian’s stupid dough arm too long… “I do wish I could hold you, though. It’s okay if you don’t want me to, but- but just know that I do want to. And if there’s something bothering you, if something happened, if, uh… if I did something, I’m here to help you. I want to help you.”

“God, Danny…” Brian chokes out, and yup, he definitely is. As if he couldn’t be more pathetic.

“Brian, please turn around,” Dan asks again, and he sounds hurt. Why would he sound hurt? “I promise it’s okay. Whatever it is that’s bothering you, I’m not going to judge. I promise.”

A different thought emerges. It’s quieter, meeker, but it’s familiar.

_He loves you. He’s here for you. Tell him._

It wins Brian over, just this once, and he does turn to his other side to face Dan. He can barely look Dan in the eye, and it’s not just because his own are so misty. Dan smiles sweetly at him and cups his cheek, using his thumb to wipe one of the bigger tear trails off his cheek.

“Hi, baby, I’m here,” he says in such a comforting and warm voice that it almost makes Brian want to openly bawl the rest of his eyes out. Dan lightly kisses his forehead and then presses them together. “You can talk to me.”

At that, Brian goes against his own wishes and wraps an arm around Dan to pull him closer and hold him, burying his face into the other’s chest. “I don’t know what’s happening,” he mumbles into the fabric of Dan’s shirt. Dan slowly lets his hand go from Brian’s face to his neck, stopping every so often as if to ask for permission or to wait for Brian to brush him off. This time Brian doesn’t. He wants to be held. He needs it. “I’m having- really bad thoughts lately.”

Dan’s hand reaches to Brian’s back, and they’re in a full embrace now, at least as much as one can when lying on their side. “What kind of thoughts?” he asks, and Brian has a feeling he knows what Dan expects him to say. Maybe it’s good that it isn’t that.

“Just- about me,” Brian continues, and God he’s going to break again soon if he doesn’t hurry the fuck up and just admit it, despite how much he doesn’t want to. “I’ve- let myself go so much. I hate looking at myself. There’s not one fucking part of my body that I like. I want to start over in a new one. I don’t—” He cuts himself off to let out a shaky breath before continuing, “I don’t know why you’re with me when I’m so goddamn disgusting.”

“Oh, Brian,” Dan says, somehow able to tighten his hold, and that’s what completely breaks Brian’s dam. The first sobs escapes, and then another, and he’s clinging to the back of Dan’s shirt for dear life as Dan rubs his back soothingly, pressing his lips to the top of Brian’s head. “I had no idea. I’m so sorry I didn’t see how much this was affecting you, I would’ve helped you way sooner.”

“I’m- a good actor,” Brian manages between sniffles, which makes Dan chuckle sadly.

“You’re damn right,” Dan replies, and they let the moment pass, let Brian cry until he’s worn out, just lie there holding each other and relishing in each other’s warmth. By the time Brian has mostly recovered, Dan pulls back just a couple of inches so he can look Brian in the eyes again. “But your mind is an idiot. Like, so fucking stupid I could just smack it.”

Brian blinks at him. “What?”

“It’s feeding you so much bullshit that I’m kinda surprised you haven’t made a bad taste joke about it yet,” Dan continues, and honestly Brian can’t help but let out a little snort at that. “I don’t know what made it tell you any of the bad things you’re thinking about yourself, but I just want to tell you right here, right the fuck now, that I don’t care what it says. I don’t care what it makes you think or how it makes you feel.

“I’m with you because _I love you_ , Brian. I love every part of you. I love your sense of humor, I love the stupid jokes you make just to get under my skin when really you just want to see me laugh, I love how talented you are in so many fields, I love how well we’ve always worked together, even when we weren’t on the same damn continent.

“I love how well we complement each other, I love how well we fit together, just like we do now, I love your strong arms, I love your soft belly, because it’s something I don’t have and I wish I could have, and since you have it, it’s all the more lovable.”

“It’s really not,” Brian tries saying, but before he can even finish his sentence Dan has put a finger against his lips.

“Shush, I’m talking,” Dan says, and Brian manages a small laugh. “But seriously, I don’t give a rat’s left testicle whether or not you lose or gain weight or muscle or height or what the fuck ever. I don’t care, because it doesn’t change the fact that I love you. Even when we’re old men and both our asses are hanging lower than the back of our thighs, I’ll still love you. Because no matter how you look or how you age or if you’re tall and muscular or soft and cuddly, you’re still the man I fell in love with. You’re still my Brian. And that’s all that matters to me.”

By the time Dan is finished, Brian can feel his throat tightening again. “Fuck, I thought I already took out my crying quota for tonight,” he says and hastily wipes at his eyes. He lets Dan’s words sink in for a moment, dance around his own thoughts and combat them like white knight saviors. To whichever bad thought Brian has, there are words from Dan to counter them, if only to say _That might be what you think, but he still loves you._ As silly as it sounds, Brian can actually picture both sides coming to some sort of compromise, with Dan’s words acting much as Dan himself: comforting, reassuring, understanding but able to retaliate when need be.

“There’s no quota for emotions, Bri,” Dan says and cups Brian’s cheek again. He smiles, and it radiates so much love and warmth that Brian can’t help but return it. “And even if there was, I’d still be here, just as in love with you as day one,” he adds, and presses his lips against Brian’s in a tender kiss. Brian lets out a small sigh through his nose as he kisses him back, and the simple action, combined with everything Dan has just said, seems to have wiped his mind. Clean slate.

When they part, Dan plants two more little smooches to the tip of Brian’s nose and to his forehead. “And hey, if your head decides to be a jackass again, just know that I’ve got a full cargo train full of love and I’m not afraid to use it.” Brian can’t help but let out a full cackle at that, and Dan joins him with his own fluttery giggle. “I’m serious! The sap train stops for no one except my wonderful, beautiful, handsome boyfriend.”

“You’re impossible,” Brian says, and gives Dan one last squeeze before pulling back again to properly look at him. He can practically feel his chest bursting with affection. How could he ever have doubted that Dan didn’t love him? “I really love you, Danny. Sorry for all, uh, this.”

“It’s okay, Bri. You don’t have to apologize. Like I said, I’m here for you,” Dan says, and reaches back to move Brian’s hand around him to between them, lacing their fingers together. “And I love you. So, so much. And I hope that whenever that silly old noggin of yours decides to be a jackass again, you’ll be able to tell me. Because I’m not gonna tolerate any of that shit towards you, even if it’s from your own damn thoughts. Because that’s the man I love it’s talking about, and that’s just not how the game works.”

Brian laughs again, fully embracing just how happy Dan makes him, and really how incredibly lucky he is to have someone like this in his life, not to mention as his lover. “Thank you, Danny. I think I’ll be okay for a while.”

“Good,” Dan says, and plants one last kiss on Brian’s lips. “G’night Bri. My beautiful, beautiful, Brian.”

Brian settles down as well, allowing himself to be enveloped both by Dan’s arm again, as well as figuratively by Dan’s love for him. He feels safe now, completely loved. Any and all horrid thoughts far away, Dan’s words acting as a shield for now. He makes a mental note to never let himself get this far again. Dan does love him, and even if it might sometimes feel otherwise, Brian can trust Dan’s words. Trust his love.

_He loves you. He’s here for you. You’re okay._

_He loves you._


End file.
